Chronic Illness · CRPS/RSD · Dealing with Pain · Uncategorized

5 years ago today…

5 years ago today pinterest

Since I woke up this morning, this day has felt odd.  The skies were angry and storms passed through every hour, darkening the sky to a nighttime gray.  The rain was heavy, furious as it fell creating a calming yet aggressive presence on our tin roof.  The winds sliced through the trees bringing branches down to the ground.

Along with the storm, I felt restless. A void in my heart. I was mourning. Grieving. but what?  My body ached with every storm that approached and my heart longed for the island, where thunderstorms stopped the hectic day to day hustle and everyone stopped and watched the rain fall. It was peaceful.  Cherished. Needed on that small island for life to continue.

Abe was not himself today either.  A massive golden retriever who doesn’t mind storms or their fury, paid special and close attention to me today and lowered his head on my leg in a caring and faithful manner.  He must have sensed the uneasiness. The restless. The void.

I showed my body some much needed loving kindness and compassion today.  Allowing myself to meditate early in the morning listening to the rain fall and twice more as the day progressed.  No matter how much love I gave my nerves were angry.  Like a stubborn child who refuses to cooperate they continued in their tantrum.  Every response in my body supported my decision that I made yesterday (with great hesitation) to file for Short Term Disability with my job that I had not been able to return successfully to in 29 days.

Then I began to think, Short Term Disability?  wow.  This was the first time hands down without a doubt that this disease has forced me to stop working and file for a disability benefit.  I felt defeated. I felt betrayed by my own body.

Why was it doing this to me?  Why can’t determination and perseverance lead me back down the road to where my career waited?  

If will power alone was enough, I would have a different story today.  I would not be the girl in physical therapy, not being able to connect her brain to her foot to tell it to move.  I wouldn’t have pushed with all my might, only to see no strength come from my once powerful legs. The legs that took me wherever I wanted to go.

A sudden crash of pain that came out of nowhere beckoned me back to my bed this afternoon and I laid in the fetal position, willing myself not to throw up.  Taking a rationed amount of pain medication, I listened to music that soothed my nerves and I began to type out words on my keyboard.  I was Mourning Me.  I was mourning the body and the person that I use to be.  I typed line after line of words that sounded like they were a eulogy.  In remembrance of ….. A friend, my best friend that I had lost.  I cried.  Losing my self, my strong body is the hardest thing I have ever done.

And then tonight, as I climbed back into bed and opened Facebook, it showed me my memories.  A chill shot down my spine .. there it was.  5 years ago today.  June 21st, 2011.  Hiking one of the tallest peak on St. Croix.  I sprained my ankle.  Those pictures of me at the top of that mountain, smiling. Proud that my body climbed the steep terrain while motivating a group of 20 children that this was fun, we were leading an adventure camp after all.

That 30 year old girl smiling, did not know that day would be the day that changed the rest of her life.

goat hill smile
Smiling from the top of the Mountain!  So very proud of my strong body.  Little did I know, this day would change my life forever
goat hill ty
My co-leader for the Adventure Camp, Ty…balancing on a rock, goofing off when we reached the top. He was a great friend and a huge positive influence on the island.  (He now runs his own adventure camps on St. Croix!).

Even though I feel I have lost part of Kelly, she is still in my soul keeping me going.  There will be no adventure camp in the caribbean tomorrow.  Instead, I have the most important trek of my life in front of me.  Something more difficult than the mountains I climbed, the waves I surfed and wind I kited.  Tomorrow, I will fight through this pain and continue my physical therapy by walking robotically in the pool and putting my feet in a bucket of uncooked rice to desensitize them. I will then continue painful spinal sympathetic nerve blocks every week.  I just keep going. Holding onto the hope that sometime soon, I get to be me again.

Much Metta,

Kelly

6 thoughts on “5 years ago today…

  1. This post really touched me. It spoke to a place in me that grieves the me I used to be every day. I wish you the fastest recovery! To find that beautiful you on top of that mountain again! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing in testimony about your painful journey from the mountain top… to the valley below. Life is about the balance we find somewhere between the two. We learn from life that those mountain top experiences never last, as much as we so wish they would, but we must remember… neither do the deep valleys of despair. I so appreciate your determination and resolve to once again stand victoriously on the mountain top. Finding that balance between the two and sharing with others who suffer what it takes to fight the good fight. Not giving up but gaining the victory of a healthy perceptive of what you have learned from your journey. GOD bless you my daughter!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Really great post! It hurts to not be able to do the things we loved, and stopping working was extremely hard for me to accept. Keep finding new things to love to do–I learned to knit and crochet and it has brought me a lot of joy. And my work with dogs is turning into a huge wonderfulness!

    Liked by 1 person

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