I wish I could see past the darkness of tonight. See into the morning light and find some hope to hang onto. This is when I tend to make my biggest moves, take the most risk and scariest leaps from what is familiar because what is familiar is not longer working to better my life. The comfortable feeling now has jagged edges and the air has become toxic & I unable to catch my breath.
I wish I had some control or at least had one good player in this fight but I am stumped, broken, tired and sick. Really sick. My disease has expanded and tormented not only my body in relentless pain but it now over flows into my work. Into my career. In to my relationships. It seems it will leave no survivors.
In the past, I have shown that I can get through these difficult times but in those scenarios I had my health, a team of friends to rally and a career that would take me anywhere. A N Y W H E R E. Now I am not sure if I have the desire. The strength. The hope. The Ambition. I’m just tired.
On 3 different occasions today I was beckoned by unforgiving pain to get into my car to drive myself to the Emergency Room. But I didn’t leave the parking spot. I only wanted to go in, get meds to take away the pain and sleep for a few hours in no pain. But I knew emergency rooms are not like that. First they would make me feel like I am making my condition up (because they have never heard of it) and secondly, they would treat me like a drug seeker.
In truth, I am only seeking compassion. The world, my relationships, my pain, even my dog right now are all needing hope to hang onto. I fear that this time, there may be a sad ending. And I am not sure I can handle that scenario. I am also quite certain that I can’t keep living this day over and over.
The wind that blows on my back, alerts me but there is only a soft breeze, barely enough to notice if it is going around, backwards, or sideways. There isn’t enough guidance.
No Guidance. No tides. No changes winds. Only defeating painful silence. How, oh how does one move on from this place? The place of thick darkness and jagged comfort.
Much Metta(loving kindness),